Transformers: Age of Extinction

**Warning this will be spoiler heavy because I don't give a crap about spoiling this movie, if you care, do not read the following review. Have a nice day.**

I hate Michael Bay. But the main reason I hate him is likely different from why other people hate him. I hate him, because he just does the same thing over and over again, instead of improving and being a better director, especially when I know he can be a better director. His three highest rated movies, are The Rock, Pain & Gain, and the first Transformers movie, at least according to Rottentomatoes. To some extent, I would agree with this assessment. Pain & Gain was the most fun I had with a Bay film. The Rock, in my opinion is an exceptional film (especially for Michael Bay) it comes as no surprise to me though, that Bay's only, yes, his only fresh rated film is The Rock.

I hate Bay because he refuses to be the good director I know he can be. He refuses to evolve and make what are widely considered, on a critical standpoint, to be terrible films, better. He does absolutely nothing other than repeat the same points over and over again in his films. That could not be more clear than with the Transformers series up to this point. 

Seriously, they practically sync up perfectly.

But now to get to the grit of what this is about, the actual review of the fourth movie. 

 

It would honestly be a bit more difficult to sync up number 4 to the previous three, because Bay does something different this time around. We still have an opening that takes place in the past, but there is absolutely no opening narration by Optimus Prime, which has opened the prior three films.

Another reason as to why this would not exactly sync up properly with the previous films, is because this film is essentially two movies that tries to sell you that it is one movie, while shamelessly setting up a sequel that will no doubt happen, and I'm okay with it, because I actually get enjoyment out of watching terrible movies like this and being among a small party that laugh at every stupid thing done or said in the movie.

 

Like explosions that come out of dirt instead of the actual thing that is exploding.

Also, the Dinobots can speak fucking English, granted broken English, and I don't understand why all they can do, even when transformed is make dinosaur sounds. It does make sense when you examine how they were made, but once you start to investigate that that is also how Optimus and the other Autobots/Decepticons were made, it then makes no fucking sense.

I just don't understand why you would purposely step on, and ruin something that I, and many others loved as children by not properly representing them. Granted, they are the most bad-ass aspect of the film, and hopefully they will be more prevalent than just roughly thirty minutes of screen time in the fifth movie.The most consistent character in the film was Mark Wahlberg's Cade Yaeger (yes, his last name is Yaeger, pronounced exactly like Jaeger, or Jäger. Which are the robots in Pacific Rim, a film far superior to this piece of trash), and the least consistent, again, is Optimus Prime. Prime straight up murders several characters in this film, just murders them, he even rushes into a building and orders his autobots to terrorize people. The Autobots are terrorists. As crazy as this sounds it is sadly a subplot of the film, the idea having been proposed by Kelsey Grammer's character, whom Optimus murders near the end of the film.

This has by far been my biggest running complaint of the franchise, Prime gradually over the course loses his morality that he is so famous for. Killing people that beg for mercy, ripping a defenseless Megatron's head off, promoting the murder and terrorization of humans because they did the same to his people, and straight up blowing people up that don't see it coming. This is not my Optimus, and this is not an Optimus that people should like or be cheering for. He's a psychopath with a bloodlust. Megatron/Galvatron isn't portrayed as much of an antagonist as Prime, and for that matter neither is Lockdown, Age of Extinction's primary "antagonist."

I just don't understand character morality and who is supposed to be viewed as the bad guys in this movie. Lockdown is running around killing Autobots, yes, but he's also, allegedly, been killing Decepticon's too. It turns out he's only been hunting them, because he was promised Prime, while he wanted Prime to make him a trophy, essentially, that doesn't change the fact that Galvatron, the likel antagonist for the following films has maybe ten minutes of total screen time, and there's literally nothing different about Galvatron and Megatron than appearance and voice, no longer being voice acted by Hugo Weaving, and is now voiced by Frank Welker, someone who has taken on the role of Galvatron and Megatron before. And hell, while Galvatron is clearly presented as a villain, he's presented in one straight forward way with one motive, to be reborn, and to take over the world and kill all humans/Autobots. Nothing more, nothing less. He doesn't flip flop around, changing what he considers just or injust in the matter of a 2 hour and 45 minute movie, he just wants to cause chaos.

Yep, Rainbow Dash is a man made Transformer in this movie.

Honestly, I cannot believe the padding of pointless shit that added nothing to the plot in this. Sure, some of the action shots were longer, and the action was more clear. But I still had no idea what was going on because of the fucking shaky cam. Not to mention that only eight robots are named thirteen if you count the thirty minutes worth of Dinobots. But this scene, with Rainbow Dash literally made me laugh out loud, not because it was funny. But it comes out of nowhere, is intended t be funny, but isn't. It only serves to make "bronies" mark out and confuse the hell out of people that don't know what that fucking is other than a plush pony toy. Then there's this random shot of Mark Wahlberg nodding when the dinobots came running in to save the day. it's a two second close up shot of Wahlberg fucking nodding. WHY IS THAT IN THE MOVIE? We don't need Wahlbergs approval to know that the Dinobots kicking ass is awesome, they're fucking robot dinosaurs. Why is this movie two hours and 45 minutes long, because of these pointless fucking scenes that add nothing to the plot.

Sorry.

I get upset when I think about this sort of stuff, and that causes me to use "obscenities."

Seriously though, when this movie gets applause from ten or so people. But something like Captain America: The Winter Soldier or The Lego Movie doesn't, it upsets me and it should upset you too. 

This is the epitome of bad writing and poor directing because Bay clearly has stopped caring about getting proper performances out of actors, the few standouts, Wahlberg and Tucci, only stand out, because they can actually act. Grammer does nothing in this movie to even come off as an intimidating villain. Nicola Peltz was about as good an actress here as she was in The Last Airbender. Further her character is seventeen, that is made very clear, to the point where her boyfriend has to pull out a "Romeo and Juliet" (printed out on a piece of paper he conveniently keeps in his wallet) law so that the romance isn't illegal, and yet it's perfectly okay for the camera to objectify this seventeen year old girl. I can understand the relationship being okay. But if this girl is seventeen, don't show me a five second close up of her ass while Marky Mark tells her to go put on some longer shorts. Then there's the boyfriend character played by Jack Reynor, who is the most worthless piece of shit in the series, Sam friggen Witwicky did more than him, not to mention his bland acting. Lastly, TJ Miller is underused and killed off before he can be used to his full potential, not that Bay (or the screenwriters) would even allow that to happen.

My last point will be this, aside from explosions, nothing new happens in this movie, literally nothing. Lockdown kills Ratchet, who nobody cared about to begin with. Then he kidnaps Prime, who is immediately rescued, forcing Lockdown to come back only to be killed by Prime along with Grammer's character. Megatron comes back, which happens in every movie, this time as Galvatron though, he forms an army, that then is trounced by the five Autobots and Five Dinobots, and Galvatron goes into retreat until Transformers 5. Optimus then goes out into space and the movie ends. The world is left in the same condition it was left in at the end of Transformers 3, nobody trusts the Transformers, and they have even more of a reason not to now. Nothing has happened here, that hasn't happened in the previous three movies. It's all been done before, maybe not better, but we've seen everything before.

I read an article recently that basically said Summer blockbusters need to stop being serious. There's one inherent flaw in the article. That is that summer movie typically aren't serious, and he picks out one that was trying to do the disaster movie seriously, while "not having fun with it." I seriously doubt the people behind Godzilla (2014) didn't have fun with it. It insists that because the movie takes its subplots seriously that that is the issue with the film, at least during the summer blockbuster season. This is a ridiculous point of view, because it promotes this sort of shlock, that is nothing but "having fun with it." There's nothing of substance here. It's just inane bullshit from credits to credits. 

I primarily took issue with this quote: "Godzilla wants so badly to make sense. Pacific Rim wants so badly for Ron Perlman to wear golden shoes." 

My main comment to that is, "So what?" Godzilla wants to make devastation and destruction serious, because it's a serious thing. A city is destroyed and millions of people died, and you want that to not be a serious thing? If you didn't have fun watching it, I don't know what to tell you, because I sure as hell enjoyed every second of the monster stuff. Pacific Rim does the same thing, while also joking about it. The only difference between the two is that Pacific Rim had a better writer, and more experienced director, in Guillermo Del Toro. Godzilla's flaw was poor characters, and poor plot points. Not a lack of "fun."

And then there's Transformers: Age of Extinction. All it does is this idea of "have fun with it," there's no evidence of effort put in aside from quality visual effects and waiting until sundown to do some cool shots in the country side. There's a My Little Pony reference for God's sake. My proposal is that Summer blockbusters should be allowed to be as dark or serious as they want, as long as everything in the film makes sense for it to be that way. If the writing is good enough, if the acting is good enough, if the directing is good enough - go all out for the serious, but have fun doing it too. That's what Pacific Rim did, and that's why it seems like they had more "fun with it." It all comes down to the quality of the craft. If it's done right, then do it right.

The simple idea that having fun is what makes a quality Summer blockbuster is absurd, because there is nothing of quality here.

Transformers: Age of Extinction gets a 4/10. It's better than Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011), but still worse than the original Transformers (2007). Nothing compares however to the shit storm that was Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009).

I'll return at some point with another movie, Tammy is of interest and comes out in the next few days, while Dawn of the Planet of the Apes won't be out until the 11th. I'll also be seeing How To Train Your Dragon 2, down on Long Island with my lovely girlfriend that weekend, likely on the 12th or 13th.

Here, have a video:

Movies: What Has Gone and What's to Come

I'm back bitches.

Last time, I discussed television, this time around it's all about that "real shit" - the movies. The best and the worst of 2013, and the most anticipated of 2014. So without further a due, let's get started.

Let's begin with a list of the movies, all of the movies, I've had the fortune/misfortune, of viewing this year:

Texas Chainsaw 3D, The Hunt (Jagten), A Haunted House, Gangster Squad, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, The Last Stand, Prince Avalanche, Lovelace, John Dies at the End, Noobz, Movie 43, Parker, Bullet to the Head, Stand Up Guys, Warm Bodies, I Give It a Year, Identity Thief, Side Effects, A Good Day to Die Hard, Dark Skies, Snitch, 21 & Over, Jack the Giant Slayer, Stoker, Dead Man Down, Oz the Great and Powerful, Spring Breakers, The Call, The Incredible Burt Wonderstone, Welcome to the Punch, Admission, Olympus Has Fallen, The Croods, G.I. Joe: Retaliation, Trance, The Host, The Place Beyond the Pines, Dragon Ball Z: Battle of Gods, Evil Dead, Oblivion, 42, Disconnect, It’s a Disaster, Scary Movie 5, The Lords of Salem, Iron Man 3, Mud, Pain & Gain, The Big Wedding, The Iceman, What Maisie Knew, Star Trek: Into Darkness, The Great Gatsby, Fast & Furious 6, The English Teacher, The Hangover Part III, Epic, Only God Forgives, After Earth, Byzantium, Now You See Me, The Kings of Summer, The Purge, Hello Herman, Much Ado About Nothing, The Internship, This is the End, Man of Steel, The Bling Ring, Despicable Me 2, Monsters University, World War Z, Redemption, The Heat, White House Down, The Lone Ranger, The Way Way Back, Fruitvale Station, Grown Ups 2, Pacific Rim, Turbo, RED 2, R.I.P.D., The Conjuring, The World’s End, The Wolverine, Blue Jasmine, The To Do List, The Smurfs 2, The Spectacular Now, We’re the Millers, Elysium, Kick-Ass 2, Jobs, Devil’s Pass, Drinking Buddies, Scenic Route, The Lifeguard, About Time, Riddick, Insidious: Chapter 2, Rush, The Family, Enough Said, Battle of the Year, Prisoners, Don Jon, Filth, A.C.O.D., Gravity, Runner Runner, Captain Phillips, Machete Kills, 12 Years a Slave, All is Lost, Carrie, Escape Plan, The Fifth Estate, Ender’s Game, Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa, The Counselor, Thor: The Dark World, Dallas Buyers Club, Frozen, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, Homefront, Oldboy, Out of the Furnace, American Hustle, Saving Mr. Banks, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues, Her, Grudge Match, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, The Wolf of Wall Street, August: Osage County, Lone Survivor.

tl;dr This years body count, a lovely 138 films.

With movies, it's always better to start with the bad, then move onto the good. This year there were 36 terrible movies. So, here are my honorable mentions for the worst movies of the year:

Gangster Squad, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, The Last Stand, Noobz, Parker, Bullet to the Head, The Call, The Incredible Burt Wonderstone, The Host, The Great Gatsby, The Hangover Part III, The Internship, World War Z, The Lone Ranger, RED 2, R.I.P.D., Jobs, Insidious: Chapter 2, Runner Runner, Machete Kills, Escape Plan, The Fifth Estate, Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa, The Counselor.

And now, I present to you, the ten worst movies of 2013:

10. Simply put, Dead Man Down is the biggest disappointment of the year. Not only is it a terrible movie where the plot makes absolutely no sense, it makes Colin Ferrell and Terrance Howard look terrible. If you need a reason as to why it was such a disappointment, watch the trailer, which makes it look amazing, then watch the movie. The trailer tells a completely different story than the movie, the trailer tells a better story.

9. I'm not sure I need to explain myself much on this list. Scary Movie 5 proves that the parody film genre has died. I miss Mel Brooks.

8. Texas Chainsaw 3D apparently is a direct sequel to the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It takes place twenty years after the original film, while also taking place in the year 2013 simultaneously, isn't that just amazing?

7. A Haunted House... I really miss Mel Brooks.

6. After watching, After Earth, I can safely say I will never pay to see an M. Night Shyamalon movie ever again. He somehow manages to make Will Smith, one of the most charismatic actors alive one of the least charismatic people to ever grace cinema, and then he forces his son, who lacks the experience needed to carry this movie alone, to carry this movie alone.

 

5. Simply put, A Good Day to Die Hard, is not a Die Hard movie. I don't even know what it is. Bruce Willis doesn't try, he's just here to cash a check. There's no character in this, John McClane is only existent by name and appearance, everything else is gone. There's no redeeming quality here.

4. Battle of the Year has no resolution other than the win of the battle of the year. There's no character development. There is no reason to watch this, other than the dance moves. Also Chris Brown.

3. The Smurfs 2... And I thought the first one was bad. I still love you NPH.

2. Grown Ups 2... And I thought the first one was bad. Wait, did I already say that?

1. Movie 43. Hugh Jackman having balls on his chin is the funniest joke in this movie, and that's the skit they open with. This movie, it's just, the worst piece of trash ever made. I feel bad for the actors they blackmailed into this, because their careers are forever tarnished by the worst movie ever made.

Okay, now that that is over with we can move onto the good stuff. Just do me a favor, whatever you do, do not - I repeat, DO NOT- watch Movie 43, it will hurt you, physically hurt you.

The best of the year's honorable mentions:

The Hunt (Jagten), Side Effects, Stoker, Spring Breakers, The Croods, The Place Beyond the Pines, The Lords of Salem, Iron Man 3, Star Trek: Into Darkness, The Kings of Summer, Much Ado About Nothing, This is the End, The Bling Ring, Despicable Me 2 *, The Way Way Back, Pacific Rim, The Conjuring, The World’s End, The Spectacular Now, Rush, Gravity, Captain Phillips, All is Lost, Thor: The Dark World, Frozen, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, Out of the Furnace, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues.

10. American Hustle With all of the bad comedies that went through Hollywood this year, it's pleasing to see that there are at least some that came through that were actually good, let alone fantastic, though most of the good comedies and movies this year, were independent movies, or auteurist.

9. Prisoners is the most beautiful movie I've seen in years. Roger Deakins is a beast behind the camera, he knows exactly how to light and shoot a scene. Everything that could go right went right here.

8. Don Jon Joseph Gordon Levitt, wrote, starred, and directed this. With it being his first directorial appearance I am incredibly impressed and look forward to seeing what more he can do, he clearly knows how to make movies.

7. Dallas Buyers Club - Jared Leto's performance. Matthew McConaughey was great too.

6. Enough Said - That amazing script and dialogue. Also, Julia Luis-Dreyfus is amazing. Not to mention a strong performance from James Gandolfini.

5. About Time - Dat use of time travel, it takes that other time travel movie from last year, Looper, and slaps it across the face.

4. Her a hauntingly beautiful love story between a man and an artificial intelligence unit voiced by Scarlett Johansson. This is just a lovely movie, with some great scenery and an excellent performance by Joaquin Phoenix.

3. Mud The McConaussance continues as McConaughey gives a fantastic performance in this tale about two kids who help a man try to save the girl he loves why he is on the run from the law. While all doesn't work out in the end, this is still a remarkably fantastic film.

2. The Wolf of Wall Street Martin Scorsese's and Leonardo DiCaprio's best movie. Period. No further explanation is needed.

1. 12 Years a Slave this is without a doubt the most haunting movie I've ever seen. On top of the beautiful shooting one comes to expect from director Steve McQueen, the performances are top notch even the brief five minutes of screen time Brad Pitt has. Everything about this movie is what I've come to love in my years of film study.

So there you have it, my top 10 of 2013. There's only one place to go from here, the most anticipated of 2014 list. But first. Have a gif!

 

Well I'm sorry I'm not as entertaining as I used to be. I don't have that many fun stories and right now all I'm doing is watching Monday's finale of Hostages and waiting for my girlfriend to get here. So I decided to write this blog. I've actually been watching other stuff too, I just started the Hostages finale. So yeah, my ten most anticipated of 2014. coming right up, I'm just going to throw the movie posters up, with no real explanations as to why, because it's all personal preference and I don't want to sound redundant in my reasoning, so here, feast your eyes on some upcoming movies, in no particular order:

 

 

 

And those are the ten movies I am looking forward to the most, in no particular order. I got lazy and didn't want to order them, I've been doing enough lists. The listing of things can wait until summer, there's no need to list these. At least I don't feel the need to as I have the same expectations and hopes for all of them, that they'll at least be good.

Now that you've seen all I have to say about the movies of the past, and you can see what I'm looking forward to in the future this blog post is over. Have a video.