Depression. The second.

I'm back, and probably going to be gif/meme-less until I feel comfortable posting "on the bright side" sort of things. The best thing I can say about the situation I currently find myself in is that I'm at least writing again. I'm just sad that I have to use this blog to get at my feelings. I'm going to be talking about depression, specifically my undiagnosed depression, that at this point, is self diagnosed, I know, for a fact, that I have clinical depression and that I need, and want, to see someone for it. I just can't deal with all of this shit anymore. Every day that I wake up, I ask myself why I even bothered waking up. I'll be discussing most of my issues while referring back to the "WebMD" page on "What is Depression?"

Most people have felt sad or depressed at times. Feeling depressed can be a normal reaction to loss, life's struggles, or an injured self-esteem.

But when feelings of intense sadness -- including feeling helpless, hopeless, and worthless -- last for many days to weeks and keep you from functioning normally, your depression may be something more than sadness. It may very well be clinical depression -- a treatable medical condition.

My girlfriend who is very much the love of my life has been away, back at her parents house on Long Island since December 21. Since then, I cannot say that I've felt like "myself." I can't even say that I know what I mean by that, but I can tell you that these "feelings" of being helpless, hopeless, and worthless, enter my fucking mind every damn day. I've been trying since August 2014 to find a job. I've had 3 interviews since then, at Walmart, GameStop, and Taco Bell. None of them called me back to offer a job, except Walmart, which I turned down because GameStop offered me an interview. This has since turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life. All the while in between these interviews I've applied to every fucking place I can think of, you name it, I've likely submitted an application, either online or in person.

I stopped going out and doing them in person because I had no money for gas, and I had/have an eighth of a tank left. Today, my girlfriend was supposed to be coming home, but she couldn't because of weather. I also broke my phone's screen today throwing it against the wall in a sudden burst of emotion, upon being told that "I need to go back to normal." I then realized that I had to get out of the house, and to the nearest Verizon store to get my phone fixed/replaced, it still works but the screen is pitch black. However, upon entering my truck I find that the battery is dead, leaving me stranded here unable to leave to get any food. I have enough to last me for at least a few more days if I ration, but honestly, I don't feel like eating.

I'm hungry, and I know I'm hungry. I can feel it, I can hear it. But I just don't care. I eat one meal a day, and that's mainly just to prove to my girlfriend that I ate while she was gone, I feel, and look like I've lost about ten pounds in the past week. Today was the first day I changed out of elastic pajamas, and the pants that used to fit me the best, are now loose and starting to sag down.

According to the DSM-5, a manual used to diagnose mental disorders, depression occurs when you have at least five of the following symptoms at the same time:

• A depressed mood during most of the day, particularly in the morning
• Fatigue or loss of energy almost every day
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt almost every day
• Impaired concentration, indecisiveness
• Insomnia (an inability to sleep) or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) almost every day
• Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in almost all activities nearly every day
• Recurring thoughts of death or suicide (not just fearing death)
• A sense of restlessness or being slowed down
• Significant weight loss or weight gain

So, in order to qualify, and be diagnosed with depression, I need to have at least five of those symptoms. I've already stated how I wake up, and I've argued where these feelings of worthlessness come from. I've mentioned potential weight loss, and I've also, at least somewhat, stated that I had no interest, until today, in doing anything. That only leaves one trait until I can justifiably self diagnose myself.

Insomnia (an inability to sleep) or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) almost every day

I'm not sure what exactly constitutes either. If it's just trouble falling asleep, I could argue that I have insomnia, since I haven't been able to fall asleep until about 7 am for the past few days, and this is after several hours of trying, since about 2:30 last night for example. Now if hypersomnia is trouble staying awake, I only have that in the afternoons when I initially "wake-up." That is to say that I will remain lying down, and let myself continually fall asleep because I don't want to get up. Now this is only if that counts as either one. My inability to fall asleep could also constitute, indecisiveness, like my body can't decide what it wants to do. All I've really been doing is watching movies, applying to jobs, eating my small single meal, and sitting on the couch. Other than that, I'm having a late night, often brief, conversation with the girlfriend over Skype or by phone. Then I try to sleep for x number of hours until it happens.

The ones (yes, ones) I know that I also have but haven't discussed are the feelings of fatigue/lack of energy, and recurring thoughts of death or suicide. I've long since lost my fear of death, so the latter part of that bullet point doesn't really apply anyways. If thoughts of death can include thoughts about others dying, and I don't mean by murder, then I have that two-fold. I haven't necessarily thought about suicide everyday, but most of the days of the past week and a half, suicidal thoughts have been there. I haven't had an attempt, yet, unless you count an attempt at wrist cutting, but that was shortly after thanksgiving, and for entirely different reasons and under different circumstances. But these are what's needed to diagnose. I have most of the symptoms they list.

• Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
• Fatigue and decreased energy
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
• Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
• Insomnia, early morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
• Irritability, restlessness
• Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
• Loss of pleasure in life
• Overeating or appetite loss
• Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
• Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
• Thoughts of suicide or suicide attempts

All I don't have, is "Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions." And I think that's just because of the way I'm wired. I'm always focused on whatever I may be doing, and I can remember details about things that happened weeks ago still. Most decisions I've made are what movies to watch/not watch, but I've made decisions. So where does all of this leave me?

I can't professionally say that I have depression, that's something I need to see someone about, because I cannot keep living like this. With all that's happened today, and my student loans about to pile up and throw me into bankruptcy if I don't find a job soon, I can't really help but feel depressed. I'm not sure if I would feel this way if I had a job or if none of the crap that happened today happened. I know I've thought I've had depression for a long time, but I thought it was just mild, not requiring medication (see my previous blog entries for evidence of that 1, 2, 3, 4). But now, I'm almost certain that I do.

I feel like an idiot for breaking my phone, and I have no idea whether or not it will cost anything to fix, but a day or so away from it, won't bother me too much. I mainly just used it for internet stuffs, I can just use a computer for that.

All I can really hope for at this point, is that someone comes to help, either tomorrow or soon. I'm almost out of food, and I hear that's kind of important for human survival. I also hope that my girlfriend, if she so chooses to come back tomorrow, Wednesday, January 6, that she makes it here safely. Because I don't think the weather will be that great, or so the forecast on the internet will have me believe. At the very least, she should be returning by this coming Thursday when the weather is supposed to be somewhat better than it is forecast to be tomorrow. Regardless of when she chooses to come home, I just want her to get here safe. I urged her, that if she wasn't going to come tonight, which she isn't, to wait until Thursday unless she feels confident enough to make it tomorrow.

To go back to the main issue at heart here, I think the thing that is getting to me most is loneliness. I have literally been alone, by myself for eleven days. When my request for her to return by New Years Eve didn't come through, we settled on today, and when that didn't happen, I broke again. And the simplest way I can put it. For weeks, no months, since fucking August, I've let myself think that this next thing I put my mind to will end my troubles and will come through. But nothing has. Not one good thing has happened since August 2014. The last good thing that happened to me personally, was passing my last class for my bachelors, which proved to be a ton of help...

I honestly don't know if I have any friends any more. I feel like I do, but I don't know. I can talk with them from time to time. And when I went home for Christmas, from the 22nd to the 26th, at least one of them showed interest in hanging out, but didn't really act on that interest, and hasn't bothered to say a word to me since commenting "Um fuck yeah" on my Facebook status about being home. If he wanted me to instigate, I dropped the ball. But I never instigate, I honestly cannot remember the last time I have texted someone, other than my girlfriend, without that person having texted me first. I think the last time was to my friend Dylan, and that was really just to say that I got a free game for having purchased the season pass to Assassin's Creed: Unity. That game being Far Cry 4, which I've barely touched.

So it may be my fault that I feel so lonely. I should probably reach out to people. But I also live at least an hour away from any one of my friends. But is it really so much to ask, that I get some random text asking how I'm doing. Yes, I don't do that, so maybe I'll start once I get my phone fixed/replaced.

All I know for sure, is I can't blame anyone else but myself for any of this. I regret everything that I put my girlfriend through, making her feel guilty, bringing out her depressed thoughts, making her feel like I have been pressuring her to do what I want rather than what she wants. All I want to do in my life, is make her happy, and I feel as though I'm never going to be able to do that. Maybe that's where all of this is coming from. I've yelled at her, complained to her, cried over her telling me what I don't want to hear. I've broken my phone because of something she said, but didn't mean. Luckily, I can still answer my phone, though I don't know if it's charging or not because I cannot use my screen, so I can't get rid of the notification light to see the charging one. I can however use motion gestures, thankfully, allowing me to answer calls.

I guess what I have to do now, is hope that things work out in the long run. Hope that soon, things turn around. I stop feeling this way, I get help, and hopefully a job. Time will tell what will happen, I just hope that what ends up happening, isn't what I feel may happen.

Death, and Other Happy Things

I wanted to post something on Thanksgiving day, but I got distracted and didn't get around to it. Perhaps there was a reason behind that, because Yesterday Paul Walker, star of the Fast & Furious films (next to Vin Diesel) has died - rather ironically - in a car accident (What? Too, soon? - look, I'd rather laugh in the face of death than treat it like it's something that we can never talk about).

September 12, 1973 - November 30, 2013 (40 years old)

I'll be the first to admit that I am not the biggest fan of Walker outside of the F&F films. They were his masterpieces, his acting chops shown through in them, as much as they could. Needless to say, Walker will be missed and considering they are still filming Fast & Furious 7, it's a wonder as to what they are going to do with his character and how they are going to write him out - don't you dare recast, or I will find you  Vin, and I will get my ass kicked by you - but I will still come after you. Don't doubt me!

In other, less serious death related news, Brian Griffin died on Family Guy, and the internet is up in flames about it. Me, I'm not pissed about it, I kind of figure that he'll be back before the end of the season, possibly even before mid-season. But as for now, Brian is dead, and the world is very sad for whatever reason.

I keep forgetting that Family Guy started back in '99 - it's the few years where they were cancelled that keeps throwing me off

My guess is that he'll be back by the Christmas episode in a few weeks. I also hate Vinny, mostly because he is "replacing" Brian, my favorite character, but also because the character is just weak, he has nothing special about him other than the fact that he's Italian - which honestly makes him more annoying than special, because he isn't the awesome mafia boss Italian.

Look I don't have a problem with Italians, he's just an over-the-top characterization of every Italian stereotype, we are almost told, "Hey viewer, you see this character that we replaced Brian with, there's nothing redeemable to his character, you aren't supposed to like him." But maybe that's just my speculation.

In other news, I saw The Hunger Games: Catching Fire this past weekend. That movie has quite a few deaths in it - to continue the somewhat grim topic this blog post seems to be all about. It was definitely better made than the first film, which utilized shaky cam to the umpteenth degree. So here's a mini review:

Based on the second book in Suzanne Collins' series, Catching Fire, deals with the aftermath of Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark's victory in the 74th annual Hunger Games, as well as the 75th annual Hunger Games, and also sets up what is to come in the third and fourth films, based on the third book, Mockingjay.

The 75th Hunger Games, or the third Quarter Quell of the games were held in a different manner than the prior games shown, and even more different than the previous two Quarter Quell's. Previous victors of the games were now reaped for the games, meaning that district twelve only had Katniss, Peeta, and Haymitch, who is drawn, but then replaced by Peeta when he volunteers himself as tribute.

Unlike the 74th games, these games have no victor, as the stadium is destroyed by Katniss and then the plot of the final two films is revealed. As previously mentioned the film is much better made, it's a solid film, the action is easy to follow, well, easier. There's still your typical action movie quick cuts that make it a little difficult for those not used to this trend to follow. The performances are also a lot stronger this time around, especially from Peeta, who did very little in the first and actually stepped his game up. Jennifer Lawrence was, as always, strong and not much can be said about her acting chops that hasn't already been said.

There isn't that much fancy camera work, or anything, the quality of the film is all really centered on the performances, nothing really special is with the camera or lighting to amaze. All of that being said:

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire gets an 8.5/10 - Because it is that good.

I'm not about to get into the things, and "controversies" surrounding the film. Where one half is praising the way it is treating sexuality and gender, while the other half is saying it isn't doing enough. Honestly, the movie is giving exactly what its source material can give, and it's doing it justice, and to me that is all that matters.

So Thanksgiving came and went, I don't know if I understand Thanksgiving or not, in the holiday sense, and why we even need a day to say what the hell we are thankful for. As if we couldn't do that any other day of the week, month, year. We need one day to do this, and we choose a day where we brought plague and famine to the new world, good choice.

I'm also writing this during the mid season of The Walking Dead, why do they insist on changing so goddamn much? I understand that it's different, but seriously, this is not the way this shit went down in the comics, unless this keeps going and it kind of levels itself out. But seriously Rick's group DESTROYS, literally, De-fucking-stroys, the Governors invasion. And here they are losing to The Governor - who is supposed to... never mind, Michonne got him did I mention spoilers? Sorry, spoilers, you should know this about me, this is stream of consciousness after all. But thank God they are at the end of the Prison era, and we can move on to bigger and better things, Like Neegan. Also, Rick need to lose his hand, and Carl needs to get shot in the eye, all of this needs to happen. But the hand thing isn't going to happen unless they make Neegan do it, the Governor was supposed to do it in his first confrontation with Rick, but no, we can't have similarities now can we. Tyresse won't die here, it's Hershall, Neegan won't kill Glenn, he'll kill Tyreese or some nobody that people don't care about. Andrea won't be a total bad-ass, because that wouldn't be right. No, I will not let this go, they ruined my favorite character from the comics.

So back to Thanksgiving. The only thing I am thankful for *cue mushy music* is my lovely girlfriend, whom I am waiting for right now. She's still on her way back to the college and it's 10:03 right now, and I don't care what time it is when she gets here, I am going to see her tonight.

See, J-Law understands

I don't have much of anything else to talk about, so here - have a video - next time is the final part of "a brief history of my life." That should be up by the end of the week, time permitting. Farewell.