Movies: What Has Gone and What's to Come

I'm back bitches.

Last time, I discussed television, this time around it's all about that "real shit" - the movies. The best and the worst of 2013, and the most anticipated of 2014. So without further a due, let's get started.

Let's begin with a list of the movies, all of the movies, I've had the fortune/misfortune, of viewing this year:

Texas Chainsaw 3D, The Hunt (Jagten), A Haunted House, Gangster Squad, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, The Last Stand, Prince Avalanche, Lovelace, John Dies at the End, Noobz, Movie 43, Parker, Bullet to the Head, Stand Up Guys, Warm Bodies, I Give It a Year, Identity Thief, Side Effects, A Good Day to Die Hard, Dark Skies, Snitch, 21 & Over, Jack the Giant Slayer, Stoker, Dead Man Down, Oz the Great and Powerful, Spring Breakers, The Call, The Incredible Burt Wonderstone, Welcome to the Punch, Admission, Olympus Has Fallen, The Croods, G.I. Joe: Retaliation, Trance, The Host, The Place Beyond the Pines, Dragon Ball Z: Battle of Gods, Evil Dead, Oblivion, 42, Disconnect, It’s a Disaster, Scary Movie 5, The Lords of Salem, Iron Man 3, Mud, Pain & Gain, The Big Wedding, The Iceman, What Maisie Knew, Star Trek: Into Darkness, The Great Gatsby, Fast & Furious 6, The English Teacher, The Hangover Part III, Epic, Only God Forgives, After Earth, Byzantium, Now You See Me, The Kings of Summer, The Purge, Hello Herman, Much Ado About Nothing, The Internship, This is the End, Man of Steel, The Bling Ring, Despicable Me 2, Monsters University, World War Z, Redemption, The Heat, White House Down, The Lone Ranger, The Way Way Back, Fruitvale Station, Grown Ups 2, Pacific Rim, Turbo, RED 2, R.I.P.D., The Conjuring, The World’s End, The Wolverine, Blue Jasmine, The To Do List, The Smurfs 2, The Spectacular Now, We’re the Millers, Elysium, Kick-Ass 2, Jobs, Devil’s Pass, Drinking Buddies, Scenic Route, The Lifeguard, About Time, Riddick, Insidious: Chapter 2, Rush, The Family, Enough Said, Battle of the Year, Prisoners, Don Jon, Filth, A.C.O.D., Gravity, Runner Runner, Captain Phillips, Machete Kills, 12 Years a Slave, All is Lost, Carrie, Escape Plan, The Fifth Estate, Ender’s Game, Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa, The Counselor, Thor: The Dark World, Dallas Buyers Club, Frozen, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, Homefront, Oldboy, Out of the Furnace, American Hustle, Saving Mr. Banks, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues, Her, Grudge Match, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, The Wolf of Wall Street, August: Osage County, Lone Survivor.

tl;dr This years body count, a lovely 138 films.

With movies, it's always better to start with the bad, then move onto the good. This year there were 36 terrible movies. So, here are my honorable mentions for the worst movies of the year:

Gangster Squad, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, The Last Stand, Noobz, Parker, Bullet to the Head, The Call, The Incredible Burt Wonderstone, The Host, The Great Gatsby, The Hangover Part III, The Internship, World War Z, The Lone Ranger, RED 2, R.I.P.D., Jobs, Insidious: Chapter 2, Runner Runner, Machete Kills, Escape Plan, The Fifth Estate, Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa, The Counselor.

And now, I present to you, the ten worst movies of 2013:

10. Simply put, Dead Man Down is the biggest disappointment of the year. Not only is it a terrible movie where the plot makes absolutely no sense, it makes Colin Ferrell and Terrance Howard look terrible. If you need a reason as to why it was such a disappointment, watch the trailer, which makes it look amazing, then watch the movie. The trailer tells a completely different story than the movie, the trailer tells a better story.

9. I'm not sure I need to explain myself much on this list. Scary Movie 5 proves that the parody film genre has died. I miss Mel Brooks.

8. Texas Chainsaw 3D apparently is a direct sequel to the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It takes place twenty years after the original film, while also taking place in the year 2013 simultaneously, isn't that just amazing?

7. A Haunted House... I really miss Mel Brooks.

6. After watching, After Earth, I can safely say I will never pay to see an M. Night Shyamalon movie ever again. He somehow manages to make Will Smith, one of the most charismatic actors alive one of the least charismatic people to ever grace cinema, and then he forces his son, who lacks the experience needed to carry this movie alone, to carry this movie alone.

 

5. Simply put, A Good Day to Die Hard, is not a Die Hard movie. I don't even know what it is. Bruce Willis doesn't try, he's just here to cash a check. There's no character in this, John McClane is only existent by name and appearance, everything else is gone. There's no redeeming quality here.

4. Battle of the Year has no resolution other than the win of the battle of the year. There's no character development. There is no reason to watch this, other than the dance moves. Also Chris Brown.

3. The Smurfs 2... And I thought the first one was bad. I still love you NPH.

2. Grown Ups 2... And I thought the first one was bad. Wait, did I already say that?

1. Movie 43. Hugh Jackman having balls on his chin is the funniest joke in this movie, and that's the skit they open with. This movie, it's just, the worst piece of trash ever made. I feel bad for the actors they blackmailed into this, because their careers are forever tarnished by the worst movie ever made.

Okay, now that that is over with we can move onto the good stuff. Just do me a favor, whatever you do, do not - I repeat, DO NOT- watch Movie 43, it will hurt you, physically hurt you.

The best of the year's honorable mentions:

The Hunt (Jagten), Side Effects, Stoker, Spring Breakers, The Croods, The Place Beyond the Pines, The Lords of Salem, Iron Man 3, Star Trek: Into Darkness, The Kings of Summer, Much Ado About Nothing, This is the End, The Bling Ring, Despicable Me 2 *, The Way Way Back, Pacific Rim, The Conjuring, The World’s End, The Spectacular Now, Rush, Gravity, Captain Phillips, All is Lost, Thor: The Dark World, Frozen, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, Out of the Furnace, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues.

10. American Hustle With all of the bad comedies that went through Hollywood this year, it's pleasing to see that there are at least some that came through that were actually good, let alone fantastic, though most of the good comedies and movies this year, were independent movies, or auteurist.

9. Prisoners is the most beautiful movie I've seen in years. Roger Deakins is a beast behind the camera, he knows exactly how to light and shoot a scene. Everything that could go right went right here.

8. Don Jon Joseph Gordon Levitt, wrote, starred, and directed this. With it being his first directorial appearance I am incredibly impressed and look forward to seeing what more he can do, he clearly knows how to make movies.

7. Dallas Buyers Club - Jared Leto's performance. Matthew McConaughey was great too.

6. Enough Said - That amazing script and dialogue. Also, Julia Luis-Dreyfus is amazing. Not to mention a strong performance from James Gandolfini.

5. About Time - Dat use of time travel, it takes that other time travel movie from last year, Looper, and slaps it across the face.

4. Her a hauntingly beautiful love story between a man and an artificial intelligence unit voiced by Scarlett Johansson. This is just a lovely movie, with some great scenery and an excellent performance by Joaquin Phoenix.

3. Mud The McConaussance continues as McConaughey gives a fantastic performance in this tale about two kids who help a man try to save the girl he loves why he is on the run from the law. While all doesn't work out in the end, this is still a remarkably fantastic film.

2. The Wolf of Wall Street Martin Scorsese's and Leonardo DiCaprio's best movie. Period. No further explanation is needed.

1. 12 Years a Slave this is without a doubt the most haunting movie I've ever seen. On top of the beautiful shooting one comes to expect from director Steve McQueen, the performances are top notch even the brief five minutes of screen time Brad Pitt has. Everything about this movie is what I've come to love in my years of film study.

So there you have it, my top 10 of 2013. There's only one place to go from here, the most anticipated of 2014 list. But first. Have a gif!

 

Well I'm sorry I'm not as entertaining as I used to be. I don't have that many fun stories and right now all I'm doing is watching Monday's finale of Hostages and waiting for my girlfriend to get here. So I decided to write this blog. I've actually been watching other stuff too, I just started the Hostages finale. So yeah, my ten most anticipated of 2014. coming right up, I'm just going to throw the movie posters up, with no real explanations as to why, because it's all personal preference and I don't want to sound redundant in my reasoning, so here, feast your eyes on some upcoming movies, in no particular order:

 

 

 

And those are the ten movies I am looking forward to the most, in no particular order. I got lazy and didn't want to order them, I've been doing enough lists. The listing of things can wait until summer, there's no need to list these. At least I don't feel the need to as I have the same expectations and hopes for all of them, that they'll at least be good.

Now that you've seen all I have to say about the movies of the past, and you can see what I'm looking forward to in the future this blog post is over. Have a video.

Two Zero One four

So I made it to the end of 2013, and now I'm starting my 2014 blog life. Of course I'm writing this while watching something, Movies this time. Prince Avalanche on Netflix to be specific. It's only just started but it's, so far, really good and I'm looking forward to seeing more of Paul Rudd's dramatic strengths in preparation for his role as Ant-Man in 2015.

I have Elysium loading in the background while I'm working through this. And once I finish Prince Avalanche, and Elysium, I have... eleven movies left - in no particular order:

10. The Hunt
9. The Wolf of Wall Street
8. Dallas Buyers Club
7. The Secret Life of Walter Mitty
6. Rush
5. Her
4. Saving Mr. Banks
3. Riddick
2. 47 Ronin
1. The Counselor

I know what you're thinking, there's only ten movies there. You are correct sir, But my girlfriend is making me wait until at least the ninth, when she comes up to see me, to watch Despicable Me 2, so that's number eleven. Because I watch the majority of movies online. A few of these don't have links yet, so I have no way of watching them, and hope that they get links rather soon. Those few movies are The Wolf of Wall Street, Her, and 47 Ronin.

I have a goal of completing the list of remaining movies before the tenth. Since today is the fourth, that gives me roughly five days to watch eleven movies.

I'm going to stick to my current four movies a day plan, as best I can, but I seem to have kept quite a few two hour movies for last. and that saddens me. It's a lot easier to watch four ninety minute movies than four two hour movies. The latter takes approximately a full two hours longer than the former.

In other news, on a completely unrelated note, there's a bug bite - or something - on my cheek, and it's bugging (pun intended) the ever living shit out of me. Excuse me while I apply ointment to my face.

I wanted my first post of 2014 to be my best and worst of the movies of 2014, so instead I'm going to focus on television. and the best and worst of it.

Let's start with best new show:

These are all of the new shows that started in 2013, of which I have seen the entire season, or at least what they have done so far. I've started a few more shows, but cut them, more on them later.

Hostages
Marvel's Agents of Shield
Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Trophy Wife
The Black List
Derek
Hannibal
Hemlock Grove
Orange is the New Black
Bates Motel
The Americans
House of Cards
Legit
The Following
Da Vinci's Demons
Masters of Sex
Ray Donovan
Siberia
The Bridge
Hello Ladies

Now for the top ten of the new shows:

10. Excellent acting and an excellent cast. Ray Donovan was a rather fun ride, as far as new shows go. It has it's serious flaws but in the end redeems itself and completes its season on a completely rounded point. It did a lot of a better job with its first season than Dexter did with the majority of it's seasons post season four, which is possibly the best season of television ever made. I'm definitely looking forward to season two.

9. This was the first show I watched on Starz, haven't seen Spartacus yet, and I'm going to start Black Sails once that hits at the end of the month on the 25th. Da Vinci's Demons takes a rather interesting look and twist on the life and times of the famed painter. the actor playing Da Vinci is the highlight of the show, and makes it entirely worth watching.

8. My favorite new Comedy of the year. It's basically The Office if it were done as a police procedural. and that's all that really needs to be said about it, especially considering that nearly every other sit-com that came out this past year was a complete bust.

7. This is just a chilling show, taking a look at the origin of Norman Bates' psychopathic behaviors, while also focusing on his high school romances, his brother, and the eerily creepy mother-son relationship. It's the only reason to watch A&E, never mind Duck Dynasty, this is near-perfect television.

6. This was a surprise, I wasn't really thinking I was going to like this as much as I would by the end of the season, which ends on this coming Monday, but at around episode six when things really start going crazy that's when you really start to see the quality of the show and just how well they are dealing with the drama, it just barely beat out Bates Motel. If the season finale isn't quite up to snuff it may drop some too - but I don't think that will happen, I may have to prepare for a let down.

5. The first few episodes were trying to be scary, the rest of the episodes were just unsettling. I love that Kevin Bacon is really broadening his horizons as of late, he seems to be in nearly everything now, and I love it. I'm looking forward to season two which starts up in the coming weeks, just to see what they do and how well they do it. Hopefully they can improve on a rather impressive first season.

4. My God. This show is perfection. The only thing, and I mean the only thing that could make it better is premium cable. If HBO, or Showtime, picked this up, hell even Netflix, nothing would be holding this show back from being the best show out there, and I mean that. The only reason it's my number four is because it is clearly pulling punches because it isn't on one of the big networks that can do next to anything with their programming.

3. Here's some proof that premium cable has free lance to do damn near anything they want. There's nudity in every episode. But that's not why this show is amazing. This show is amazing because of the side plots, all of the goddamn side plots. The last few seconds of the show too, there's just no holding this beast back. The levels of drama packed into this show at times are near unbearable. I won't spoil it because honestly you need to watch it on your own. So go watch it!

2. This is hands down the best female run show ever made. Netflix amazes me with the majority of their original programming, and I'm looking forward to what they have in store for us in the future. Especially the four marvel series with a fifth series following their release. But also the second season of Orange is the New Black, and the second season of my favorite new show...

1. If you know me there could be no other. House of Cards is hands down my favorite new show, and if season two is as good, or better, than season one, it has some serious potential to become one of my favorite shows of all time. Especially if David Fincher remains somewhat involved in the production of the show, possibly even returning to direct a few episodes. The cast is unbelievable, Kevin Spacey is better than ever. It can only go up from here. Bring on season two Valentines Day (or the day after for us non single people) 2014.

And now, the Bottom ten of the new shows:

10. Once Upon a Time is good. It's not great. There's no need for a spin-off, especially one as sappy and poorly made as this one. If you are going to create a world for a show, make sure the cgi that you use doesn't look like it was done in the nineties. I still love you John Lithgow.

9. I was looking forward to this, it looked like a nice rather modern retelling of the classic Dracula tale. However what you get is some boring drama that takes forever to build with no payoff, at least none in the first five episodes.

8. Starts off strong and cannot top it's first few episodes, I like Rebel Wilson, but without a strong supporting cast too, there's no point in watching her try to carry a show she clearly cannot carry on her own. Not to discredit her, not many can carry a show on their own.

7. No. Just. No.

6. Netflix starts with House of Cards, which is fucking amazing, then gives us this. Which is terrible for the most part, it does have amazing werewolf transformation sequences, but other than that, it has nothing. Poor writing, some really bad acting, it's just a bad show, and only got renewed because it was put out after House of Cards and everyone though Netflix would continue to put out amazing products. But there is an exception to every rule, and Hemlock Grove is Netflix's amazing original content exception.

5. It's average, and it could be above average with great ease, especially with this cast. but sadly there aren't many good comedy writers for television on network television.

4. No. I gave it the old college try. But no. never again.

3. NO.

2. NOPE!

1. ABSOLUTELY NOT!!

So those are the new shows. But what were the best and worst of 2013? Well the worst of 2013 is the same exact list as what's shown above. The best however is at least somewhat different.

10. The final season was as stronger than season's five through seven, but escaped reaching farther up this list with an absolutely terrible final episode.

9. Phenomenal first season. Mediocre second season. exceptional third season. Now just to see what season four has to give, especially following that absolutely perfect season finale.

8. My favorite comedy ever keeps getting better. I'm sad that season seven is its final season, and I really don't want it to end like Dexter, with a terrible final episode, but I have the utmost faith in Californication's writers and I know they can deliver. 

7. Like I said, if it weren't for things holding this show back, it would be up higher on this list.

6. That season finale, and this is another show that will be ending in 2014. for the penultimate season this really delivered on every level it could to make me want to see season seven, sooner rather than later. I just wish it could have ended differently.

5. See above.

4. See Above.

3. See above.

2. Of shows currently airing, or with a new season coming up, this is my favorite of those shows. That being said, season three is its strongest season, for many reasons. The only thing I would change about the show in all honesty, is a 12 episode season rather than a 10 episode season, just so I get more Game of Thrones.

1. Fucking pitch perfect ending to the greatest show to ever be on television. I'm not sure if writing can get any better than the writing displayed in Breaking Bad. Why has Bryan Cranston not won the Golden Globe yet, seriously though, just give Breaking Bad all the awards this year, we all know they deserve it. So just do it.

If you're wondering where some shows are, chances are I haven't started them yet, or I don't like that show as much as you do. Such as The Walking Dead, which has become a rather mediocre show as of late, and I have yet to start both Mad Men and Orphan Black. American Horror Story: Coven has yet to blow me away, there's still a few episodes yet, but if it keeps building the way it has it will likely be the strongest season of that show yet. I've yet to start Shameless, House of Lies, and Episodes. Though I'd really, really like to. With the shortened season of Community and it's behind the scenes issues in season four, it gave us its weakest season yet. And while Happy Endings gave a consistently fantastic season, I refuse to acknowledge that shows existence in a list form because that seems to be what everyone else is doing, and I just have to blend in so that I am taken seriously (in all seriousness it would be like number 11 on my best of this year list). True Blood, gave us a stronger season, but not strong enough, same with The Newsroom and Arrested Development's season four Netflix return. Derek would place at about 11 on the new shows of the year, and Doctor Who at about 12 for shows of the year. I'm still upset over the finale of Boardwalk Empire, despite it being one of the shows best seasons, it just barely missed the list because of so many amazing other seasons of shows this year that were frankly just better, The Bridge and The Americans would have take 15 and 12 on the best new shows list. While The Legend of Korra would have taken 13 for the best shows of the year. I don't feel the need to explain myself anymore. So here, have a .gif that explains how exhausted I am:

And since Elysium is over now, yes, this took that long. I'm going to go get something to drink now, go into my room, and wait for my girlfriend to call me on Skype. That's it, blog post over. Have a video: